Yes, Yes, Yes.
Is your favorite word yes? Even when your teeth are clenched. Even when your chest tightens.
Even when your body whispers no — and you override it. You see the approval flash across their face.
That glow.
That exhale of relief.
And you think, There. I’m safe.
You brace yourself. Another lift. Another emotional dead weight.
Another silent bargain: “If I carry this, you won’t leave.”
The cycle repeats. And repeats. And repeats. And slowly — it’s killing you.

What Is People Pleasing, Really?
People pleasing isn’t kindness. It isn’t generosity. And it isn’t love.
At its core, people pleasing is a trauma response.
It’s what we clinically call the fawn response — a survival strategy where we secure safety through compliance, over-functioning, and emotional caretaking.
Instead of fighting.
Instead of fleeing.
Instead of freezing.
We adapt by pleasing.
We learned — often very early — that connection required self-abandonment.
“Don’t upset them.”

“Be easy.”

“Be helpful.”

“Don’t be too much.”

“Make them proud.”

“Fix it.”

So we did.
And it worked — at least for a while.

The Nervous System Behind the Yes
When someone asks something of you and your body tightens, that’s not weakness. That’s your nervous system scanning for threat.
If you grew up in environments where love felt conditional, unpredictable, or tied to performance, your body learned this equation:
Approval = Safety
Disappointment = Danger
So you say yes.
Not because you want to.
But because somewhere inside, a younger part of you believes:
“If they’re happy with me, they won’t leave.”
People pleasing is not about being nice.
It’s about being afraid.

Why It Feels So Addictive
Here’s the part no one talks about:
People pleasing comes with a hit.
That validation glow?
That’s dopamine.
That moment of approval quiets the anxiety — temporarily. It regulates the nervous system. It feels like relief.
But it’s short-lived.
Soon, you’re back to scanning:
Are they okay?

Did I do enough?

Are they upset?

Did I mess up?

And the cycle continues.

The Hidden Cost
Over time, chronic people pleasing leads to:
Resentment

Burnout

Identity confusion

Emotional exhaustion

Anxiety and depression

Relationships built on performance rather than authenticity

You start to ask:
“Do they love me… or do they love what I do for them?”
And even more painful:
“Who am I when I’m not needed?”

The Hard Truth
People pleasing is self-abandonment disguised as goodness.
It’s saying:
“My needs matter less.”
“My feelings are inconvenient.”
“My no is dangerous.”
But here’s what healing asks:
Can you tolerate someone’s disappointment?
Can you survive not being approved of?
Can you let someone misunderstand you — and stay grounded anyway?
That is the real work.

What Healing Looks Like
Healing from people pleasing doesn’t mean becoming cold or selfish.
It means:
Pausing before answering

Noticing the body’s cues

Practicing “Let me get back to you.”

Tolerating the discomfort of someone’s reaction

Learning that boundaries don’t equal abandonment

It means slowly teaching your nervous system a new truth:
“I am safe, even when I say no.”